Not Okay (A Tadelsa One-Shot)

art by jin kim

"Hey, are you okay?"

A voice cuts through her thoughts, and she jerks up.

She's been thinking about Anna. How Anna tried to visit yesterday, bringing chocolate chip cookies, sloppily made but probably still delicious. How Anna knocked on the door, stood in the hallway for twenty minutes, texted her countless times. How Anna waited for a sister that would never let her in.

Because Elsa pretended to be away, pacing behind the door silently, hoping Anna would give up and leave.

What kind of person lies to her younger sister?

Then again, she's been lying all her life. She should be used to it by now.

She is definitely not okay.

But that's not what she tells Tadashi. Instead, she forces a tight-lipped smile, ice tingling her fingertips. "I'm fine," she says, inwardly willing him to leave her alone.

From the way he presses his lips together and frowns, she can tell he's not convinced. "Are you sure?" he asks, and her heart drops at the concern in his dark brown eyes.

"Yes, I'm sure," she says evenly, her voice more biting than she intended it to be. She turns away abruptly and fixes stubborn eyes on the work in front of her, giving him a clear signal to just go away.

It seems like the man just can't take a hint, however. Tadashi rubs the back of his neck awkwardly for a few moments, the silence heavy. Then he tries again.

Just like Anna. Why do these people just keep trying--

"Look, something's bothering you," he says, sitting down across from her so it's hard to ignore him. "I just want you to know...if anything happens, you can always come to me."

No, I can't, Elsa thinks, though keeping the words inside her to end the discussion as soon as possible. She bites her lip and wraps her arms around herself, the ice anxious to get out.

That's when Tadashi makes his mistake. Forgetting that he isn't dealing with Aunt Cass or Hiro, he reaches out to put what he thinks is a comforting hand on her shoulder. Instantaneously, Elsa flinches and shrinks away from his touch. Tadashi quickly drops his hand when he realises his error, attempting to apologise, but it's too late. The girl clamps up. Her gloved hands tense. Tadashi can almost feel an actual chill come over the room.

He realises he's never actually seen her bare hands, the reason as much of an enigma as the woman herself.

"I'm fine. Really." Elsa's voice is sharp, wary, almost angry, her brilliant blue eyes dull. It hurts to lie to him. This isn't fair. Not to him, not to her, not to anybody. Yet the words come out, if not easily, almost instinctively.

"Okay," he says, backing off. "Just...if you can't talk to me about it, you can always talk to Aunt Cass or Honey, got it?" While she's clearly not in the mood, he hopes that at least something gets through.

An imperceptible head movement--he can't tell if it's a yes or a no. That will have to do for now. Sighing deeply, Tadashi gets up and goes back to his work table.

Elsa's heart breaks a little when she sees his shoulders droop and the light go out of his eyes, yet she turns her back on him. Lie upon lie upon lie, when he's shown you nothing but kindness since day one. All you know how to do--all you've ever done--is push people away. 

You have to. You don't want to hurt them. You don't want to hurt him.

But maybe she already has.

When he's back at his table, Tadashi glances at the girl, who's sitting with her head down and arms folded, drawn tight into herself.

"We're here for you, Elsa," he says, softly but firmly, although she makes no response.

In his head, he adds:

And I'm not giving up on you.