No one.
You are no one.
A living anomaly in a world of steel and night.
A drop in an ocean of black and white.
You are a robot, bending to their will.
You are an ant, nothing to an army.
The things you want to do are the things you cannot do.
The things you cannot do are the things you must.
You have a name,
A series of letters and numbers only yours,
But still,
You are no one.
This life of sliding shadows is all you've ever known.
You have no one.
No one.
You are no one.
A sprig of life in a hungry red desert.
A grain in a screaming sandstorm.
You are a vulture, watching the weak.
You are an insect, picking the bones of monsters.
The places you want to go are places you've never known.
The places you know are parching to your soul.
You have a name,
One that slips off the tongue like slick sunshine,
But still,
You are no one.
This life of shifting sand dunes is all you've ever known.
"All I've ever known" is a foolish thing to say in a universe
Where planets burst and evil stirs and the last of the Jedi lurks.
Anything could happen.
No one could become Someone.
You could find
a purpose,
a family,
a home,
yourself.
You could find yourself.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
I (Don't) Get It (A Heroes of Olympus One-Shot)
"I don't need therapy."
Percy states this with an exaggerated scowl on his face, the kind people give their friends when they tease, but underneath that lies the mixture of imbalance and fragility that makes Jason think he does. Of course he would never say that, though.
"It's not therapy," Jason explains patiently. "Will is hardly a therapist. I just thought, you know, after Gaea" -- and Tartarus -- "and all, you could...use some healing." I'm worried about you, he adds, silently.
Percy's scowl deepens, and he lets his head drop to the picnic table. Quickly, Jason elaborates. "It's nothing big. Just the usual healing spell to make you feel better. You know, the same way as a battle injury, even if it's 'all in your head?'" He forms air quotes around the last phrase and watches Percy hopefully.
"How come you didn't ask anyone else, then?" Percy counters, still looking for a way out. "They fought Gaea, too."
"Yes, they did, but--" Awkwardly, Jason ducks around so he can meet Percy's eyes. "They didn't do what you did. You've been the hero since you were twelve. You carried the sky on your shoulders. You went to Tartarus and back. Aren't you tired, Percy? Isn't it too heavy?"
Percy closes his eyes.
"Yes," he says, after a pause. "It's too heavy."
"We want to help," Jason says, low. "Let me help."
So now he's here, standing in front of the Apollo cabin, which is all air and light, another world from the darkness that's been inhabiting his mind--all of their minds--since the war. Jason glances at Percy, who has stubborn reluctance on his face. Then he wonders if he couldn't do with a little healing himself.
Taking a breath, he pushes the door open. "Hey, Will."
"Hey." Will takes a moment to respond. He's chased all his siblings out and even made the beds, and he motions for Percy to sit on one. "Annabeth says you've been having nightmares."
"All demigods have nightmares."
"Not every night. My guess is PTSD. It's not uncommon with us, Percy, so you're not alone. And a healing song from Apollo isn't just going to magic it away. But it might help a little, so it's worth a shot. Okay?"
"I guess." Percy's still strung up, but in the sunlit cleanness of the cabin the tension in his shoulders starts to fade. He watches a little nervously as Will Solace closes his eyes and breaks into song, a melody somehow light and haunting at the same time. After a while, his eyes start to drift shut, too.
Even standing in the sidelines, Jason can feel the ancient Greek words washing over him like a soothing spell, bringing a momentary peace. The cabin is gently warm and silent except for Will's singing. Then, abruptly, Will stops singing and breaks the spell.
Jason rushes forward to catch Will before he topples from his chair. The healer is suddenly asleep. Only then does Jason notice the deep circles under Will's eyes, and feels a pang of guilt. With all the sick and injured campers, Will must have been working himself to the bone. No wonder he's tired. No one considered that he who brought rest and comfort might need some of his own, too--least of all Jason.
Percy's shaking his head confusedly, and Will is in that halfway point between sleep and consciousness. Jason's no healer, but he can tell both of them need a break.
"Burgers," he says, watching Percy's face light up. "On me."
They deposit Will safely back in his cabin, where he burrows into the blankets and pillows like he'll never stir again. Then Jason taps Percy on the shoulder.
"Talk with me a minute, okay?"
"Yeah, okay." Percy still looks tired and drawn, but happy. "What is it?"
"The reason I wanted you to see Will--well, I've been thinking about that time--you know, in the ocean where we met Kymopoleia." At Jason's words, Percy stiffens, as if he's going to draw a curtain over the light in his eyes. "Just--what you told me--and I just said I get it." Disbelieving and disapproving, Jason shakes his head at himself. "It wasn't enough, Percy, not nearly enough. And I'm sorry."
Percy is silent again.
"I don't get it. I have problems, sure, but I don't know what you're going through, and I don't want to pretend to. I just--I don't know how to help you."
Jason waits in the silence, but then Percy speaks, uncharacteristically quietly. "It did help. You helped." Turning to his friend, he smiles slightly, painfully.
"And you know that if you ever need anything, you can ask me, right?" Jason trips over his words in his eagerness to offer. "If there's any way I can make it up. If you need someone to talk to, or help with the camp, or--anything, Percy."
"I know." Percy smiles again, eyes soft rather than terrible. "Thank you."
Percy states this with an exaggerated scowl on his face, the kind people give their friends when they tease, but underneath that lies the mixture of imbalance and fragility that makes Jason think he does. Of course he would never say that, though.
"It's not therapy," Jason explains patiently. "Will is hardly a therapist. I just thought, you know, after Gaea" -- and Tartarus -- "and all, you could...use some healing." I'm worried about you, he adds, silently.
Percy's scowl deepens, and he lets his head drop to the picnic table. Quickly, Jason elaborates. "It's nothing big. Just the usual healing spell to make you feel better. You know, the same way as a battle injury, even if it's 'all in your head?'" He forms air quotes around the last phrase and watches Percy hopefully.
"How come you didn't ask anyone else, then?" Percy counters, still looking for a way out. "They fought Gaea, too."
"Yes, they did, but--" Awkwardly, Jason ducks around so he can meet Percy's eyes. "They didn't do what you did. You've been the hero since you were twelve. You carried the sky on your shoulders. You went to Tartarus and back. Aren't you tired, Percy? Isn't it too heavy?"
Percy closes his eyes.
"Yes," he says, after a pause. "It's too heavy."
"We want to help," Jason says, low. "Let me help."
~~~
Jason asked Will Solace only a day ago. At the suggestion, the Apollo cabin healer balked. "I'm not a psychiatrist, you know. I can't do magic. Well, technically I can, but..."
"But there's a possibility it might help."
Will wavered. "A...very slight one? I think it would be better to take him to an actual psychiatrist if you're so worried."
"You think I can do that?"
A long pause. "Yeah, no."
"Even if it helps him just a little. You're the best healer in camp. All I want you to do is try."
Jason had that set of jaw and steely-eyed determination that marks him as a son of Zeus, and after another long pause Will agreed.
~~~
So now he's here, standing in front of the Apollo cabin, which is all air and light, another world from the darkness that's been inhabiting his mind--all of their minds--since the war. Jason glances at Percy, who has stubborn reluctance on his face. Then he wonders if he couldn't do with a little healing himself.
Taking a breath, he pushes the door open. "Hey, Will."
"Hey." Will takes a moment to respond. He's chased all his siblings out and even made the beds, and he motions for Percy to sit on one. "Annabeth says you've been having nightmares."
"All demigods have nightmares."
"Not every night. My guess is PTSD. It's not uncommon with us, Percy, so you're not alone. And a healing song from Apollo isn't just going to magic it away. But it might help a little, so it's worth a shot. Okay?"
"I guess." Percy's still strung up, but in the sunlit cleanness of the cabin the tension in his shoulders starts to fade. He watches a little nervously as Will Solace closes his eyes and breaks into song, a melody somehow light and haunting at the same time. After a while, his eyes start to drift shut, too.
Even standing in the sidelines, Jason can feel the ancient Greek words washing over him like a soothing spell, bringing a momentary peace. The cabin is gently warm and silent except for Will's singing. Then, abruptly, Will stops singing and breaks the spell.
Jason rushes forward to catch Will before he topples from his chair. The healer is suddenly asleep. Only then does Jason notice the deep circles under Will's eyes, and feels a pang of guilt. With all the sick and injured campers, Will must have been working himself to the bone. No wonder he's tired. No one considered that he who brought rest and comfort might need some of his own, too--least of all Jason.
Percy's shaking his head confusedly, and Will is in that halfway point between sleep and consciousness. Jason's no healer, but he can tell both of them need a break.
"Burgers," he says, watching Percy's face light up. "On me."
~~~
They get permission from Chiron, and step out into the mortal world. At first, Jason is thinking McDonald's, but then Will, who wakes up at the word, protests vehemently. Empty calories and fat and fillers--he can't set that kind of example to his cabin-mates. So instead they end up in an al fresco organic restaurant, all wood and vines and with a server who stares at them in their ragged camp t-shirts and jeans.
Jason feels pretty out of place, but it's nice to see Percy's expression when a burger bursting with beef and relish is set in front of him, and Will seems more at ease than he has in days. They eat their burgers and mix drinks at the soda fountain and laugh and talk, and for a wonderful half-hour it all seems so normal--just three guys out for lunch. No war, no monsters, no constant reminders of the dead. So this is what they've been missing.
But when the tight worry appears again in Percy's forehead whenever the server glances at them a second too long, and Will just straight-up faceplants into his organic thick-cut sweet potato fries with homemade mayonnaise, Jason takes a deep breath. It's time to take them home.
Jason feels pretty out of place, but it's nice to see Percy's expression when a burger bursting with beef and relish is set in front of him, and Will seems more at ease than he has in days. They eat their burgers and mix drinks at the soda fountain and laugh and talk, and for a wonderful half-hour it all seems so normal--just three guys out for lunch. No war, no monsters, no constant reminders of the dead. So this is what they've been missing.
But when the tight worry appears again in Percy's forehead whenever the server glances at them a second too long, and Will just straight-up faceplants into his organic thick-cut sweet potato fries with homemade mayonnaise, Jason takes a deep breath. It's time to take them home.
~~~
They deposit Will safely back in his cabin, where he burrows into the blankets and pillows like he'll never stir again. Then Jason taps Percy on the shoulder.
"Talk with me a minute, okay?"
"Yeah, okay." Percy still looks tired and drawn, but happy. "What is it?"
"The reason I wanted you to see Will--well, I've been thinking about that time--you know, in the ocean where we met Kymopoleia." At Jason's words, Percy stiffens, as if he's going to draw a curtain over the light in his eyes. "Just--what you told me--and I just said I get it." Disbelieving and disapproving, Jason shakes his head at himself. "It wasn't enough, Percy, not nearly enough. And I'm sorry."
Percy is silent again.
"I don't get it. I have problems, sure, but I don't know what you're going through, and I don't want to pretend to. I just--I don't know how to help you."
Jason waits in the silence, but then Percy speaks, uncharacteristically quietly. "It did help. You helped." Turning to his friend, he smiles slightly, painfully.
"And you know that if you ever need anything, you can ask me, right?" Jason trips over his words in his eagerness to offer. "If there's any way I can make it up. If you need someone to talk to, or help with the camp, or--anything, Percy."
"I know." Percy smiles again, eyes soft rather than terrible. "Thank you."
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